


Dave the Dad

by Tasmayi_Shree



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Childbirth, Gen, Mpreg, implied Kryten/Lister, implied Rimmer/Lister
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-28 07:25:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8436688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tasmayi_Shree/pseuds/Tasmayi_Shree
Summary: After a brief, drunken liaison with his parallel self, Deb, Dave Lister is (miserably) awaiting the birth of his child. But not all on the Dwarf are excited for the new addition to the crew.





	1. Chapter 1

Another morning aboard the mining ship Red Dwarf begins with Arnold J. Rimmer striding into his bunk room to wake his human charge, Dave Lister.

"Up, up, up, Lister!" he exclaims all too happily. "It's time for another fun-filled day of me yelling at you to stop being a lazy goit!" He turns on the lights to full brightness to get Dave motivated.

"Smeg off, Rimmer," comes the third technician's tired reply. He buries himself under his blanket more to block out the light from above. 

"Don't you tell me to smeg off," the hologram huffs. "I'd rather see you slob about on the main deck instead of in bed. Now rise and shine before I get the skutters in to take your bed sheets away."

Dave responds with a moan. "Just leave me alone. I di'n't sleep well at all last night...With all the pushin' an' movin' around. An' I got bad heartburn."

"Well then, you shouldn't have slept with your parallel self and not use protection." Rimmer says with a cheeky smile. "So you best come alive in the next fifteen minutes or so, little mother hen. Or shall I say, mother-to-be hen?" He then turns on heel and marches out the door.

Lister pushes the blanket away from his face, his eyes scrunching as they adjust to the brightness. He then pushes himself up, giving a groan as he sits up in bed and rubs his lower back. It had been over eight months since Holly brought the crew to an alternate dimension where they met their parallel selves, and Dave ended up getting involved with his female counterpart, Deb. Now the poor man was heavily pregnant due to the parallel universe's laws, and it was more than a bothersome nuisance to him.

With great care, Lister eases himself across the bed and down the ladder, throwing on yesterday's clothes before going out to the main deck. Rimmer, of course, was waiting for him along with Holly, the ship's computer who had taken on the appearance of his female self, Hilly.

"Good god!" the second technician exclaims as the human tries to seat himself behind one of the many consoles. "Are those stretchmarks or is the baby trying to claw itself out?"

Dave sighs and rubs his forehead. "I ain't got nothin' else to wear, and why are you even looking at my stomach anyways?"

"It's not hard to miss," Rimmer replies. "You're starting to look like a planetoid."

Holly gives him a disapproving look, or the best she could with such a neutral expression. "Oi, you back off. Dave's got enough on his mind already without your input. And Dave, if you need something more comfortable, I'm sure some of Captain Hollister's clothes will do."

"Thanks Hol," Lister responds. He brings up a schematic on his screen, typing in some commands.

"What are you doing?" Rimmer frowns as he peers over Dave's shoulder. "Didn't I tell you yesterday that one of the garbage compactor pistons was jammed and that you had to fix it?"

Lister swings his head around. "How am I s'posed to fix a bloody piston when I'm about to burst? Besides, Holly says no more strenuous jobs for me until the baby's born."

"Strenuous? All you had to do was replace the bolts!"

"And the piston rod itself, which weighs well over seventy-five pounds. The old one's rusted up."

Rimmer gives an annoyed huff. "The skutters can deal with it then." He checks his list of duties. "How about cleaning the hull?"

"Can't do it either," Dave mutters. "I got Kryten to do it for me."

"Is there anything else you can't do around this ship?"

Lister ignores the hologram and keeps typing away, until he finishes with a bit of a flourish. "There!"

Leaning over the human's shoulder again, Rimmer looks at the screen that Dave was working on, perplexed by the lines of code. "There? There what?"

"Just a lil' system update Holly and I have been workin' on," Lister replies with a slight smile. "It should take effect in...'bout a minute or so." With some effort, he is back on his painfully swollen feet again as he waddles off to the food dispenser to get breakfast.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a smallish chapter

In the empty cafeteria, Dave sits at a table surrounded by different containers of food. "I wish you'd make up your mind for once," he sighs as he looks down at his massive belly. "Not sayin' that I don't enjoy fish fingers, loaded nachos, sweet and sour pork and rainbow sherbert ice cream all at the same time. But I'd like to have somethin' that appeals to my taste...like a nice vindaloo or curry. Even cereal or milk."

The baby kicks sharply at his side, causing Dave to wince.

"Ya don't need to rush me! I don't wanna get indigestion again." He opens the container holding the nachos and starts to eat the cheese and jalapeno concoction, scooping up the falling salsa with the fish fingers.

Suddenly, a loud whiny moan comes from the hallway and Rimmer appears. He's doubled over and clutching his stomach as he drags himself toward Dave.

"Somethin' wrong, Rimmer?" the third technician asks innocently between bites of tortilla chips and breaded fish.

"Oh no," Rimmer snides. "I'm perfectly okay, Lister. Except I feel like I swallowed a live trout smeared in hot sauce while suffering appendicitis. Pray tell me why I'm having this alien sensation?"

"No idea," Dave shrugs. He finishes his first meal and goes about pouring the pork on his bowl of sherbert.

Rimmer narrows his eyes. "Not only am I having this physical heaviness in my stomach, but my emotions seem to be going haywire, too. One minute I'm happy, and the next, I'm in tears over a paint chip I stepped on because I thought it was a moth."

Dave nods as he shovels sweet and sour sauce drenched sherbert into his mouth while Rimmer watches on with a look of disgust and hunger.

"I know you've done this to spite me, Lister. Reworking my hologram programming into making me feel pregnant so I know what you're going through. Very clever." Rimmer licks his lips as the smell of tangy Chinese food and fruity ice cream assaults his nostrils. "Will you undo the code if I promise not to say anything negative through the rest of your pregnancy?"

Dave finishes off the sherbert and gives a hearty belch. "I accept your apology," he begins while wiping his mouth off with his jacket sleeve. "But I don't think the baby does."

Rimmer raises his eyebrows. "What does a fetus' opinion have to do with this?"

"The baby can hear ya, and he ain't likin' what you're sayin' to us," Dave clucks his tongue. "Ya gotta be more sincere, man. Ya gotta mean it."

The second technician takes a deep breath. "I am sorry, Dave Lister...and Baby Lister, for I am a complete and utter smeghead who cannot handle your blinding awesomeness. Better?"

The third technician stalls for a bit, then abruptly sits upright as he feels a flurry of light kicks. "Apology accepted!" Dave laughs as he rests his hand on his stomach.

"Good. Now get it fixed before-" Rimmer stops mid-sentence. "Holly, by any chance can you give me rainbow sherbert covered in sweet and sour sauce?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> work had me fucked up, so here's a nice longish chapter starring our favorite mechanoid, Kryten.

Meanwhile, Kryten was closing the airlock behind him, humming a happy tune as he carries the sonic super mop to the storage closet. He has just returned from cleaning the Red Dwarf's hull and was proud of doing a spectacular job, being a service android and all. As he walks along the hallway, a wayward dust bunny caught Kryten's eye and he fired up the mop, scrubbing the floor frantically. At the same time, Dave is leaving Captain Hollister's quarters, wearing one of his jumpsuits. Despite the snugness, it fit a lot better than his old clothes and now he wouldn't be ridiculed by Rimmer, lest the hologram wants to experience the joy of being pregnant again. Dave is just about to step into the hallway when his foot nearly goes out from under him. He luckily catches the side of the door to regain his balance, giving an exasperated sigh as he sees a slick soapy trail.

"Kryten!"

The mechanoid stops momentarily, rushing to the human's side. "Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry Mister Dave!" Kryten switches the mop from shampoo to dry, wiping up the soapy water. He'll just have to give this section a thorough cleaning later. "I do hope you're not harmed," he frets as he reaches Dave, setting the mop against the wall. "And when did you become Captain Hollister?" he adds, looking at the new name tag on Lister's jumpsuit.

"I'm just usin' his clothes," Dave replies. "On account he's dead and all...and I'm pretty much exploding out of mine."

Don't say that! You look absolutely stunning for a pregnant man, and you haven't even lost that glow from your twentieth week." Kryten's eyes fix on Lister's stomach and he gives a soft hum. "If you don't mind, it looks like the baby is in the breech position." Since Dave had become pregnant, it was decided that the droid would tend to the human's prenatal needs as the skutters weren't quite delicate. With a quick add of some medical software, Kryten had all the information he needed to keep Dave and the baby healthy and safe until the birth, which would also be performed by him. Gently, Kryten places his hands on each side of Dave's stomach, which had gone a bit lop-sided. He presses lightly, making sure not to harm the baby and shifts it away from Dave's hip. "He should be more comfortable now."

Dave gives a small content sigh as he feels his insides become less squished. "Ah...that's much better. Dunno what I'd do without ya."

"It's no problem at all, sir," the mechanoid beams. "My duty is to serve in any way possible, even in medical situations. Also, I want you to know that I've been practicing the surgical procedures on which to extract the baby when it's time. Mister Rimmer has me practicing with laser scalpels on watermelons, and so far out of the ten he gave me, only eight exploded!"

A nervous look crosses Dave's face and his hand is drawn to one of his dreadlocks, bringing it over his shoulder with his fingers twisting the end. "Well, you still got time to practice more. Holly says I've got another month until the baby comes." A month too long if you ask him.

"And practice I shall! Childbirth is still a quite dangerous condition despite hundreds of thousands of years of medical advancements. Why, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if anything terrible happened to your or the baby."

"The baby..." Dave murmurs as he continues to play with his hair.

Kryten looks at the human in puzzlement. "Is something wrong, Mister Dave?" He asks. "Usually when you play with your hair, it means something is bothering you or that you have lice again."

"Ain't lice. It's just..." Dave sucks in air. "I don't know if I can do this, raisin' a baby by myself on a mining ship in the middle of space. Like what if he's older and starts askin' questions, like 'where's my mum?' I can't just tell him that she's in a parallel universe and she's actually the dad and I'm the mum. And could I even take care of him? Everyone knows I'm the laziest slob in the entire universe!" He gives a small sniff and rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands. "There I go, gettin' worked up again. Tell me somethin' good so's I don't bawl me eyes out, Kry."

Kryten's hard drive whirs in his head. "On the bright side, your baby could be the first human born in over three million years." He looks over at Dave to assess his reaction, only to be dismayed when he sees his eyes still edged with tears. As patient and subservient a droid he was, there was no way Kryten could fully handle another one of Dave's hormonal meltdowns. "And...and I can help you take care of him, too. I've taken care of plenty of children from my time on the SS Augustus! Besides, it's perfectly normal to worry. That's what being a parent is all about. Or so I'm told from the manuals I've downloaded."

"First human in three million years, huh?" Dave manages to choke out, his throat tightened by the raging emotional river brewing inside him, threatening to break the dams. "That's somethin' good, innit?"

"Of course it is!" Kryten reassures him.

"And I'll be a good mum?"

"No doubt in my electronic mind."

Dave bites his lip. "Are you sure?"

"Mister Dave, I'm programmed not to lie, you know. And if I was, I'd still be telling the truth about that." Kryten rests a hand on the human's shoulder, trying his best to make a friendly smile. "How about we go to the kitchen and I make you a nice cup of chamomile tea, hm?"

"With sour cream and honey?"

"Whatever you want in it."

Dave gives a small not and lets the droid lead him down the hall by his hand. He was starting to feel better already.


End file.
